I have a testimony

Revelation 12:11 “And they overcame him (Satan) by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony…”

The devil has been trying his best to attack me this week. The best place to find strength this morning was in the Word, and this scripture popped up first thing. I need to overcome Satan right now, so I'm going to share a testimony with you. (In your face, Satan!)

Several years ago, after I gave birth to my son, I suffered through post-partum depression. It was bad, and I didn't have a clue what was wrong with me. All I knew was that I couldn't stop crying and I had no desire to hold my new baby, which made me cry even more. When Robert finally insisted I go to the doctor, I was diagnosed with PPD.

I started taking medications and by the end of the first month, I started feeling a lot better. I stayed on the medication for not quite a year, and after a consultation with my family doctor, I weaned myself off them. At first, I was fine, but then as more time passed, I felt myself slipping back into a depressive state again.

This was the beginning of a time period in which I went in and out of depression after depression. I had suicidal thoughts at times. Most of the time I wanted to just dig a hole, climb into it and never come back out again. I turned into a reclue, hiding away from the world. What I couldn't see then was that this was a spiritual warfare, and had nothing to do with my body. (In the beginning it did start as an imbalance in my body. Isn't that how the devil loves to work? He picks at a *real* scab to make it bleed, then once you've healed, he tricks you attacks you again and tries to make you believe it's still that same problem....when in reality, his main goal is to steal, kill, and destroy.)

For a few years, I went through cycles of going back on depression medicine, then getting off, only to get back on them again. In 2006, my family and I moved to Louisiana. At the time, I was off the medication and felt like I was literally going to lose my mind. I reached a point where I felt desperate for medication to help me, but we didn't have two nickles to rub together, so it was out of the question. (Another Christian irony...why do we always wait until we have nowhere else to turn, but God, before we seek His help?)

It was during this time that our church held a long series of revival meetings with Bro. & Sis. Lorman. One night, Bro. Lorman gathered some ministers and men of God at the front, and told the church that if anyone needed a healing, to form a prayer line. I was at my lowest point then, and so very desperate to be free from the torment of depression. I got in that prayer line and when I received prayer, I told God, "I can't do this anymore. You have to take this from me. Please touch my mind!" And He did. I was healed and am free from depression since that night.

I still have my struggles--don't we all? Nobody promised this life would be easy. But I praise God and thank Him that He touched my mind and freed me from that struggle and burden. Medicine couldn't do it for me. Only Jesus.

PRAISE GOD, I AM FREE FROM DEPRESSION!

Personal Themes

After reading about my friend setting a yearly theme for herself, I pondered on that idea for quite some time. I read the article she referred to, but it still needed time to sink in. This morning I realized that even though I didn’t consciously set a yearly theme for myself for 2009, I’ve actually had one (or more) all along.

Make new friends.

This is something I’ve struggled with for several years now. It has never been easy for me to make new friends. I tend to be overly cautious and wary of opening up to new people. This year, though, I have made some new friends that I hope to build lifelong relationships with.

No more outside influences.

For almost my entire life, I felt like I lived for everyone else. I did what was expected (or what I thought others expected from me). I wouldn’t make waves because I didn’t want to be labeled as rebellious or rude. In fact, until just over three years ago, I had become so miserable with living my life according to others that I didn’t even have the desire to live another day.

In the last 6-12 months my eyes have been opened to a lot of things. I’m not living my life for anyone else but me. And if others don’t like it, well, then…I’ve learned that is their problem, not mine.

Become empowered through education.

This is the one thing I am most proud of. For just over a year now, I have been in college, working on that once-elusive degree. I’m almost half-way to earning my bachelor’s degree and I’m seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. When I finally decided to do this, once and for all, it was like I dug my heels into the ground and nothing can stop me now.

What’s to come

I don’t know what the next 6-12 months has in store for me. Maybe I will sit down and set a personal theme for myself, now that I can see how far I’ve recently come. Either way, I know that my life is evolving and I am slowly becoming more of what I hope to be, instead of fretting over others’ expectations. It feels great!

My 33rd List

I’ve been having a pity party for a couple of days now. Between turning 33 yesterday and another major important event in my life all happening at once, it has been extremely overwhelming. I have to admit I haven’t handled it very well. If not for my children I would have stayed in bed both days.

 

So tonight I’m sitting here working on some things and thinking about what’s been bothering me most about my birthday this year. I’ve had the recurring thought that I accomplished absolutely nothing last year. Of course, I did, but to me—the perfectionist—it feels like nothing. (For the record, I’ve completed over a year of college.)

 

I never really jumped on the Bucket List bandwagon. I guess I never saw any relevance in it for myself. Until now. I just had the thought that I don’t want to wait until I get bad news or my health goes south to decide to finally do something with my life. Maybe the reason I didn’t accomplish much is because I didn’t really plan to accomplish anything. Interesting school of thought there…

 

So here it is…*a list of things I hope to accomplish during my 33rd year on this Earth (or, at least, some time in the near future):

 

• Finish writing a book (fiction).
• Submit book/find an agent.
• Earn my A.A. degree.
• Graduate with an “A” average.
• Enroll in Bachelors program.
• Decide what I want to do (career-wise).
• Learn how to have fun with my kids again.
• Send more snail mail to friends/family.
• Follow my creative urges/don’t stifle my creativity.
• Love myself a little more. (Stop being so critical towards myself.)
• Encourage my daughter to be more daring with her art.
• Go on a vacation with my family.
• Laugh more.
• Learn how to relax.
• Sew more raggedy dolls.
• Sew Emily some skirts for school.

 

*I reserve the right to add to this list or revise as necessary. :)

Letting Myself Go

It's one of those days. After lots of great family time last week, it all ended Saturday night when we had to take Robert back. Then I got the news yesterday about what day they'll be leaving and that has just thrown me into a huge tailspin.

I've known this was coming for months. I kept telling myself this time would be easier. It isn't. In fact, it's worse. I feel like there's so many things left undone and unspoken and too many loose ends flapping in the wind. I pray to God I can make it through the coming months.

I'm tired. I'm stressed. I'm worried. I feel like letting myself go. I'm so tired of struggling. I'm tired of fighting for what seems to be a hopeless cause sometimes. Is this all there is to life? I hope not.

 

(I will be okay. I just need to vent today.)

Digging It Out Of The Trash

My life has been a whirlwind of insane events over the last two months. Every ounce of me has been uprooted and changed. And I don't like it.

I've been "just dealing" with everything that's been happening, telling myself to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and make it through another day. But I don't want to just barely survive. I want to live.

I have avoided blogging for several reasons. First, I have found that when I am most open and honest, I get a greater response--on both ends of the spectrum. People call me and ask "politely" if I'm okay, or how I'd doing. (By the way, if you do that, that's ALWAYS a sure sign to me that you've been "checking up" on me. *wink*) I don't like those questions. Especially when they're asked every single day. I appreciate the concern, but sometimes it almost feels unauthentic. Not just that, but this is a very difficult time for me, and every day is a challenge. Sometimes I just need support and encouragement, not questions.

The next reason is because sometimes avoiding talking about it keeps me under control of myself. My emotions are terribly out of whack right now, and talking about what's bothering me usually sends me into an awful crying fit. I try very hard to keep myself pulled together so my children won't be alarmed by anything going on.

Third, I've pretty much put a stop to every bit of writing. Period. I tend to do this when I'm going through a rough time. I plug my writing and it comes to a screeching halt. There again, it's the same as above: writing is talking, and talking brings out a lot of emotion at times.

Those last two reasons have had me thinking, though. The last time Robert was deployed to Iraq, I wrote, and I wrote a lot. I wrote about everything and shared every emotion I felt during that time. Sometimes I wonder if that was a good thing or not (I am glad I did it, for posterity).

I don't like to allow myself to become vulnerable to the general public. At the same time, though, I know without a doubt that every time I share something deeply personal, without fail I get a lot of response from others sharing their own similar experiences, or offering to pray for me, or just letting me know that they care and are thinking about me. That means a lot.

I guess you could say when things started getting hectic in my life, I decided to just trash my blogs. Let them go to waste. Have the weeds take over. I figured eventually everyone would forget about me if I just stopped talking. Then I realized that I've always blogged for me. Yes, the attention is gratifying, but that was never what made me start my first blog. I wanted to share. I wanted to live. I wanted to connect.

So while I would love nothing more than to hide, I think I will dig this blog out of the garbage and bring it back to life. That doesn't mean I'll be here every day. I have to take it slowly--one day at a time.