Finding My Footing

I haven’t blogged in a few weeks because I’ve been trying to find my footing. I also don’t find it as easy to blog about personal matters any more. I used to blog about everything from screwing up my weight loss to missing my husband while he was in Iraq. Now I find it difficult to open up and share very much, for fear it will be somehow used against me. I’ll set aside those apprehensions for now to give a brief update.

I’ve been on a break from school. I’ve actually changed schools and my major as well and feel so much better since. I finally realized the biggest reason why I’ve been struggling to make it through every class was largely due to me chasing a dead dream. Once I realized this, making the decision to change my major became incredibly simple and easy.

There are many things going on right now that pulls at me from every direction. Some days I feel like I’ll break. Of course, everybody insists that I’m strong so somehow I manage to pull through despite the pressure.

For now, I’m learning—yet again—how to create balance and maintain my sanity. Going through a repeat of what we went through a few short years ago isn’t any easier now than it was back then.

I’m also working on improving certain areas of my life, some of which I might decide to share about here for posterity sake. One thing I know for sure is life is anything but boring. :)

Longing

I feel like the last three months of my life have been a whirlwind that I was swept up in. So many changes, so many things happening. And when I feel like I just might have a handle on things, something else happens to trip me yet again. Somehow I manage to get back up, though.

The last few weeks have been particularly challenging for me. Without going into great detail, I have questioned many aspects of my life. I’ve questioned myself. I’ve questioned my own motives, thoughts, abilities, actions, etc. And there has been a deep, almost painful longing within me for something more. More from my relationships. More from my friendships. More from my family. More from me. Most of all, more of God.

I have drifted again. It’s almost as if the rocky waves of my life push me in the wrong direction spiritually. As it has been quoted so often, “The more I want to do good, I do bad.” I don’t intentionally push God away. And it isn’t even that I’ve done that. I’ve just become very slack in reading the Bible, praying, meditating. I’ve allowed “stuff” to consume my thoughts and time, rather than turning to the One who holds all the answers.

I’m turning this around. I have to. I need God, more now than ever before. I need His guidance, direction, strength, and encouragement. I need my Father. And I think He needs me, too.

Pay It Forward

If you have a few extra dollars and want to do something nice for someone else, click here to read Jenn’s post. It’s a good cause for a little boy that will be positively affected by your generosity. No amount is ever too small.

It makes my world go 'round

When I got up this morning, I found a note from my husband on my laptop. (Smart fella, figuring out the right spot to leave me a note. *wink*) I couldn’t help but smile as I read it. He apologized twice for not having a card to give me (yesterday). I couldn’t care less about not getting a card. The idea that he took the time to sit down and write me a note before he left for work this morning gave me a much bigger thrill than if he had left me a pretty card.

A love note from my Sweetie Pie…it’s what makes my world go ‘round.

Thank God for You

I thank my God every time I remember you.
    -- Philippians 1:3

I know today is a day for sweethearts. It’s a special day to remember to tell your sweetie how much you love him/her. But this morning, my heart is in a different place. Today I’m thinking about someone very special to me that isn’t on this earth anymore. So I just want to take a few moments to remember her.

Cindy Martin was a very special woman. Her daughter, Sarah, and I quickly became best friends when I moved to Tennessee in 1994. In Sarah, I found a kindred spirit, something I’d never experienced before. As our friendship blossomed, I also began to get to know her parents and family better, too.

Cindy was a no-nonsense kind of person. She didn’t mind telling me when she thought I did wrong. That was something I appreciated about her. She kind of took me under her wing, mothering me when I was motherless. She gave me advice about life and dating and marriage and having babies.

The year my daughter was born, 1999, cancer claimed Cindy’s life. She fought it tooth and nail to the very end. I’ve never seen someone so strong, in such a weak condition. Even though she knew the cancer was taking its toll, her spirit never broke. She was strong in her faith in God. She knew where she was going when she was finally done with this mortal ground.

The morning I got the phone call, I was on my way to get groceries. (Thank God for cell phones!) I immediately turned around and ran back home so I could change and go be with Sarah. It was a sad, yet happy day and I didn’t want Sarah to be alone through it all.

Thinking back, I’m a little sad that I never told Cindy how much she meant to me. I wish I had taken the time to express my feelings toward her. In so many ways, she became the mother I never had. She was my spiritual mother as well. I wonder if she even knows the impact she had on my life, or how much I appreciated her.

This morning I want to remind you…

If you love someone, tell them. Don’t wait. We have no promise of tomorrow. We are only given this very moment in time. Use it wisely.

I thank my God every time I think of you, Cindy Martin. I hope you are dancing on the hills of glory with Sis. Shirley, waiting for me and Sarah to join you!