October 29, 2008

I Feel Myself Going Through The Change Again

No...I don't mean THE change. I'll explain...

When my husband went to Iraq the last time, I was a nervous wreck. We'd just had our son, so he was not even a year old when my husband's unit was activated for deployment. To top it off, he became violently ill after my husband left. Our daughter was still at home and had not started school yet. To say I had a lot on my plate is an understatement.

All these things--the deployment, my son's illness, my daughter starting Kindergarten, me dealing with depression--created a change, externally in my world, and within me.

That same change, one that changed me forever, is beginning to happen to me again. I feel something inside myself changing, moving, breaking. I feel that expectancy again. Like I'm about to go through a re-molding process yet again.

Right now I'm wondering what changes are ahead. Will they make me better? Colder? More peaceful? Hard? Joyful? More loving? Pessimistic?

You might think I'm silly for throwing in those negative thoughts. But I'm not. I'm being realistic. I know how deep and strong the changes can be. I've already been here once, and I know I'm headed for the changes again. I want them to be good. I want them to make me stronger. I want to be changed for the better from this.

Incidentally, this is the space where I blogged during my husband's last deployment to Iraq. If you're interested, you can read and follow my change the last time. It starts around October 2004 and goes through the 2005 posts. There are pictures and a lot of personal posts about the deployment. I still hasn't been able to bring myself to go back and re-read all of them.