October 30, 2008

I Have Hope...?

There's a song I like that talks about having hope in every situation, no matter what comes or goes, there is always Hope. And yet, despite my own name being Hope, there are so many times when I feel hopeless.

I've been wondering...why is that?

To hope is to be optimistic. To wish and be full of expectation. To act upon the possibility of something positive happening.

I used to be full of hope. I used to look at life with expectancy, wishing for all good things to come of everything I did. When, and how, did this change within me?

I had a rough childhood. My life was far from simple or easy as a kid. But somehow, despite all that, I managed to survive. Yes, survive. I didn't learn to thrive until the 18-20 years. That's when I gained my independence and learned how to love myself and believe in myself.

In the last 10-12 years, I've experienced a lot of heartache, heartbreak, trials, and problems. So why is it that all these things negatively affected me and my perception now? Why was the change not a positive one, as it was after the first 18 years of my life?

Somehow I've turned into a person who worries endlessly about everything, is concerned about the minute things that really don't even matter in the big picture, and fears/believes the worst will happen in every situation because "that's just my luck." Why? How did this happen?

I don't like this me. Not at all. I wish I could be the old me. The me that can see the good in others when they do bad things. The me that believes good can come from bad. The me that hopes for the best in every situation.

I am Hope. But I don't have much hope anymore. Not today, anyway.