March 07, 2009

Longing

I feel like the last three months of my life have been a whirlwind that I was swept up in. So many changes, so many things happening. And when I feel like I just might have a handle on things, something else happens to trip me yet again. Somehow I manage to get back up, though.

The last few weeks have been particularly challenging for me. Without going into great detail, I have questioned many aspects of my life. I’ve questioned myself. I’ve questioned my own motives, thoughts, abilities, actions, etc. And there has been a deep, almost painful longing within me for something more. More from my relationships. More from my friendships. More from my family. More from me. Most of all, more of God.

I have drifted again. It’s almost as if the rocky waves of my life push me in the wrong direction spiritually. As it has been quoted so often, “The more I want to do good, I do bad.” I don’t intentionally push God away. And it isn’t even that I’ve done that. I’ve just become very slack in reading the Bible, praying, meditating. I’ve allowed “stuff” to consume my thoughts and time, rather than turning to the One who holds all the answers.

I’m turning this around. I have to. I need God, more now than ever before. I need His guidance, direction, strength, and encouragement. I need my Father. And I think He needs me, too.